Enough room for both
A very pretty twenty-two-year-old shopkeeper from Rue Saint-Honoré, plump, well-fed, blooming, and extraordinarily appetizing, was not lacking in liveliness, wit, and a keen fondness for pleasures forbidden—according to the strict laws of matrimony. For a year now, she had found two assistants for her old, unattractive husband. He was not only repulsive to her but also rarely and poorly performed his marital duties. Had he applied himself to his duty with greater diligence, perhaps he might have managed to moderate the demanding Madame Dolmen (such was the name of our charming shopkeeper).
Appointments for both lovers were scheduled
according to a carefully thought-out timetable: the young officer Deru was usually allotted the time from four to five in the afternoon. From half past five to seven, the extraordinarily handsome young merchant Dolbreuze would arrive. Offering other moments for meetings was not possible. Only during these hours could Madame Dolmen freely dispose of herself. In the morning, it was necessary to be present in the shop; in the evening, it was also advisable to appear there. Then the husband returns, and business matters must be discussed with him. However, Madame Dolmen once confided to a friend that she liked it when moments of pleasure were repeated with short intervals. The fire of imagination had not yet died down, she said, and there is nothing sweeter than the transition from one delight to another, for it requires no fresh preparation. The delightful Madame Dolmen understood the subtleties of amorous sensations better than anyone. Few women are capable, like her, of analyzing them so precisely. Her talent lay in having thought and calculated everything, concluding that two lovers are better than one. From the point of view of reputation—it's the same, one replaces the other, though one might be mistaken and take them for one person coming several times a day, but from the point of view of pleasure—what an advantage! (Specially for .org — ) Madame Dolmen was particularly afraid of pregnancy. Confident that her husband would never be so reckless as to ruin her figure, she also reckoned that with two lovers she risked much less in this regard than with one. Being a good anatomist, she believed that two fetuses mutually destroy each other.The once-established schedule of rendezvous was disrupted, and our two lovers, who had never met before, became acquainted, as we will learn later, under rather amusing circumstances. Deru was supposed to come first, but he was late. And as if the devil himself had intervened: as luck would have it, Dolbreuze arrived a little earlier than usual.
The astute reader immediately understands that the confluence of these two small inaccuracies was bound to lead to an accidental meeting—and so it did. However, let us tell how exactly it all happened, and if possible, try to maintain the decency and restraint necessary for recounting such an indecent story.
Due to a certain whimsical caprice—quite common among men—our young warrior, tired of the role of the lover, preferred for a time to play the role of the mistress. He wished to embrace his deity himself instead of being embraced by her. In short, what is usually on the bottom, he placed on top. A change of position occurred for the participant who is typically inclined over the altar where the sacrifice is poured. And so, Madame Dolmen, naked, exactly like the Venus Callipyge, lay over her lover, offering for viewing before the door of the room where this mystery was taking place, that which the Greeks so reverently worshipped when looking at the aforementioned beautiful-bottomed statue, namely this intoxicatingly lush part of the body, which—why search so far for examples?—finds no shortage of admirers in Paris as well. Such was the state of affairs when Dolbreuze, accustomed to entering unhindered, humming some tune, opens the door—and before him opens the prospect of that which, they say, a decent woman ought not to display.
A sight capable of delighting many connoisseurs made Dolbreuze recoil.
"What do I see," he exclaims, "faithless one!... So this is what you've saved for me?"
Madame Dolmen at that moment was seized by an impulse, under the power of which a woman shows far more resourcefulness than in moments of sound judgment. She deftly parries his thrust:
"What the devil are you getting upset about," she replies to the second Adonis while continuing to give herself to the first, "I see nothing particularly distressing. Instead of disturbing us, my friend, why don't you settle yourself where it's free. Look—there's room enough for both."
Appreciating his mistress's composure, Dolbreuze could not help but smile. Deeming it wisest to follow her advice, he did not need much persuasion. It is said that all three only benefited from it.