The Truth

The time when I could look into your eyes calmly, without emotion, is behind me. Sometimes even something insignificant turns the world upside down.

And you're still the same. As if nothing can change you. I like that, it irritates me and at the same time sparks genuine interest. Will you be able to stay like this forever?..

*I don't love. No. I'm just waiting. I speak — I'm not heard. Everything I need is in the songs. I sing them with you. And for now, nothing extra… *

My heart is beating and simultaneously someone is at the door. It blends. But ignoring it isn't working. Not that kind of situation. Persistent. The knocking repeats.

— Enough,

I heard you perfectly well the first time.

I open the door. Jan is standing on the threshold. This surprises me. I don't remember a single time he called. And now he even came to my home. I step aside, clearing the way.

— Hi. Didn't expect me?

He smiles. Maybe he could tell from my face?

— Hi. A little. Did something happen?

Birthday? And I completely forgot. So, I don't know what to give.

— In two days. At my place. I have a party task — to remind everyone. Will you come?

— I don't know…

— What do you mean?

— Just what I said. I'll think about it.

— Well, think. I hope you'll lean towards a positive answer. Because David will definitely find out you got the invitation.

He waves at me and smirks slyly.

— Jan, you…

— I got you. You're the asshole yourself.

He grins. Leaves the room. A question pops into my head: who even let him in and who to kill for it. Also, that I should probably say something, but the opportunity is gone (and I don't have the desire).

Life is going to hell. Well, let's smile at this too. And it's really funny. To look for any opportunity just not to see a person and in the end come voluntarily yourself.

For decency's sake, muttering something like "I hate the jerk," I fell onto the bed and fell asleep.

In my dream, strangely enough, it was you who appeared.

***

(1 day before)

We were gathered for a rehearsal. Free program. Only one rule: "Play."

Franky turns to me.

— What are we going to play?

Kennst du das…

Man lebt einen Traum…

Und irgendwann wacht man auf…

Einfach so…

Already on the chorus, I heard a sharp, short snap. The music fell silent. I turned around, trying to understand. A string on your guitar snapped. You yourself, for some reason angry, threw it on the floor and flew out of the room, slamming the door. After a short hesitation, I went out after you…

*Damn! What the hell? I can't listen to this. What's wrong with me???

Leave. Get far away. What's the truth?!*

I walked down the corridor, humming to myself (or maybe out loud) "Niemand hört dich." I headed towards the smoking area. But I don't know for sure if you smoke or not. As they say: if you don't check, you won't know.

Acrid nicotine… I peek through the slightly open door. You're standing on the balcony (our makeshift smoking area, though a whole room was actually designated for this) and smoking. Endless white smoke… Your hands are shaking, your hair is tousled by the wind. That's the truth. No feigned calmness. Pure hysteria.

— David…

You don't hear, or maybe you're just pretending. I come closer to you, tilting my head slightly.

— David…

You take a drag.

— What?

I don't know what to say. Nothing comes to mind at this moment. I sit on the parapet next to you. You're silent. Snow is falling from the sky.

*You will fall every time you try to take a step*.

You lift your head. Your face is calm. You take out another cigarette, but for some reason don't light it, just twirl it in your fingers. I take it out of your hand. I look for a lighter. You place it on the parapet nearby. Quietly:

— Didn't know you smoked.

— I don't smoke.

You smile.

— I see.

God, how you smile…

— I'm just, you know, fooling around…

— That's how everyone starts.

We're silent. I'm thinking about what else to say, and you… Well, what's with you?

— What should I get you for your birthday?

You think.

— Give me the truth.

— Don't stress, David. Everything will be fine, everything will be positive. Let's go, they've probably been waiting for us for a long time. You nod.

— And we'll change the strings.

You laugh, but look sadly.

— No problem.

Actually, you have several guitars and losing one of them really isn't a problem.

We return. No one asks anything. I'm grateful to them. Only Franky comes up to me with the same question:

— What now?

I think. I smile.

— Positivity.

You look at me again. Surprised?

*For me? Or just randomly? Thanks anyway*.

***

(The last day)

Truth is truth, but what you meant is hard to understand. Especially since not every truth will be to your liking. David, I have something to say, but I'm afraid…

And in Neumünster, it's raining…

*I'm so tired of everything. It's hard for me to understand what I want myself. I try to find my truth and get confused again. Are you lying or not? You can help me understand. So much depends on you right now. I'm waiting again… Right now, I mostly want to get drunk. And waiting until tomorrow somehow isn't fun*.

Something tells me I'm going in the right direction. At the same time, I don't know where exactly everything is heading. Every autumn leaves hope for a new spring, and spring — for autumn. That's how we live, and I'm still waiting for you. Some nonsense is spinning in my head.

The phone rings. I think about answering or not. It's Yuri calling. Yuri? What does he want from me?

— Hello…

— Linke, is that you?

— Who did you expect to hear on my mobile? Bill Kaulitz?

— Come on, don't be sarcastic! There's a problem here.

— What kind?

This is getting suspicious.

— Don't be afraid. It doesn't bite, doesn't swear, doesn't try to kiss. It'll lie down on the rug and fall asleep.

Interesting… What kind of problem can sleep on my rug?

— Look out the window. I'm at your house.

And that's it? I look outside. Yeah… That's it, but not quite… I quickly go downstairs to open the door. Yuri is standing on the threshold, barely keeping you on your feet.

— What's wrong with him?

— Should drink less.

It's noticeable that Yuri is struggling. I help him drag the "body" inside. You can't do anything, just sit on the floor. It's pouring rain outside. Water is streaming from your hair as if you just got out of the shower.

— Maybe some tea?

— No, thanks.

Yuri shakes his head.

— Maybe for him, but I'll manage to get home somehow.

— I don't understand…

— There's nothing to understand. He asked me to bring him to you, so I did. You deal with it yourself now. It's not my fault he's obsessed…

He hesitated.

— Okay, I'm going.

— Where did you find him?

— Sitting in the park, getting some air. I wasn't looking for him, he called me himself. Bye.

I close the door behind Yuri. I don't ask anything, he wouldn't answer anyway. He's always been so laconic… There's movement behind me. You're crawling from the hallway into the room. On all fours, since you can't stand up. Right now you look more like an animal than a human.

Having reached the sofa, you settle next to it, not bothering to climb onto it. And you probably couldn't anyway… You say something, then start singing.

Im Eissturm verklingt dein Hilfeschrei…

Niemand hört dich… Niemand sieht dich…

Im Eissturm kämpfst du ganz allein…

Jeder friert hier… Jeder verliert hier…

On the phrase "No one hears you," you stutter suspiciously. And you say something again. I have to come closer to make out what exactly. I do it as quietly as possible.

— They have ears, but they won't hear because you won't say anything… I've put everything on the line. They won't hear… Where?! Where is the truth?!

Your screams echo through my house.

Dein Echo zerschlägt meine Wand!

— Don't shout!

You don't listen. My head is about to split in half.

Allein! Allein! Wo ist Wahrheit?!

I drop to my knees next to you. I cover your mouth with my hand. You struggle, scream. How much did you drink? Hard to say now. I doubt you'll remember yourself. I grab your hands and pull you close. You try to bite me, but it's quite inconvenient for you in this position, so you quiet down. You start crying. David, you're a big boy, but you're acting like a child. Although, all adults are essentially the same children. I let you go, you turn to me and bury your face in my shoulder.

— Davi, are you sad?

You shake your head. You hug me and now you're not crying, but laughing quietly. Tears haven't dried on your cheeks yet, and you're laughing. That's David for you. You drunkenly whisper something.

— Davi, maybe you should sleep?

It's the second time I allow myself to call you that. And you, I think, don't mind.

You get comfortable on my shoulder and fall silent. At first I don't get it, then I realize you're asleep. I sit like that for a while longer, but the floor is cold. Carefully, I free myself and carry you to the sofa.

— I want…

You reach out in your sleep. I smile. I wonder what you want? You whisper something else. Inaudible.

— Really cute…

***

You finally wake up in the evening. At first, you can't figure out where you are for a long time. Then you understand and get even more scared.

— What am I doing here?

— Should drink less.

I answer with Yuri's phrase.

— What?

— What you heard.

I try to speak as unobtrusively as possible.

— Nothing happened…

— Huh?

— B. Go home.

You look at me strangely. You leave, closing the door a little louder than necessary. I drop my head tiredly. I want to smoke.

*Damn… What is he thinking now?… *

***

(February 6th)

*There's nothing for me. I'm a bundle of pain. Today will never end… *

Today you'll be waiting for an answer. Or maybe you won't even talk. After yesterday. Sometimes I think you're afraid of me, though I should be the one afraid…

On the way to you, I meet Jan and Timo. My soul even feels a bit calmer. They're walking, loudly discussing something, arguing. I listen with half an ear. Something strange is spinning in my head. And an unimaginable warmth. Hug you just once — and you won't want to let go. And I had to… Timo's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

— Linke, stop grinning.

— What?

He laughs. Yeah, it's funny for you, but not so much for me. But even if I say so, you won't believe or understand. Doesn't matter.

When they stop, I realize we've arrived. I stand and freeze. I can't press the bell. Jan does it for me.

— Thanks, what would I do without you?

I say through gritted teeth. He smiles innocently. Some girl opens the door. I can say one thing right away — beautiful, but I don't like her. Seeing me, she starts squealing happily. Behind her back, I see you. You look around, wincing at the loud sound at an ultra level. You walk like the ghost of Hamlet's father.

The girl pulls me by the hand into the house. Jan and Timo exchange glances. Like: "Didn't even arrive yet, and already picked up a chick." And she keeps talking. Our fan, apparently. Doesn't really like rap (a blow to Timo's ego), but is totally into Franky's voice. Well, she should stick to him then… What? My voice too? Okay, noted. Though I don't care. I nod, smile, look for you with my eyes among the people, but you're not here. Fuck…

— What's your name?

She goes into a stupor. Falls silent. System loading, data processing, information sorting — that